Reminiscing

I wrote the following entry last year, when I was in a particularly melancholy mood after reaching the big '4-0'...

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It’s strange, thinking back now that I’m in my 40^th year – I used to write in a journal everyday in my teens. It seemed like a necessity then, to put my thoughts down on paper & record all the significant moments for posterity. Who knew then that I would treasure those words although it’s been years since I have looked at any of those journals. The pages are mostly yellow now, with oxidation….ageing… like me…

I wonder how I could have written so much down every single day. I guess that is why they are called the tumultuous teenage years, when raging hormones not only influence how your bodies grow & create all that angst, they probably also contribute to the continual spurts of inspiration which manifest itself into words & if you are lucky, poetry too.

I was reminded of this when I started reading my 14 year old niece’s blog. Full of expressions like hmm’s, ha’s, lahs, it brought back memories of my adolescence when emotions raged & feelings were felt in extremes. There were only blacks & whites; no grays in between. One felt “love” for a certain pop star or movie star – never would we love another person the way we loved then. Little did we know then that such crushes would eventually die a natural death. Remembering some of my entries which displayed my affection for a certain pop star, I sometimes cringe at the words I have written. My “love” was true; no “if’s”, “and’s” and “but’s” about it.

I have sometimes wished that I could feel like that again. And on reminiscing with old friends, I have wished that I could go back to those carefree days again. I remember my father telling my sister & me something along those lines, where school days were the best days as we didn’t have to worry about earning a living & supporting your family. But then, I look at the life I have now & realize that with turning 40, came a maturity & confidence I never had, even as recent as a decade ago.

Some say that for a woman, after 40, it is downhill all the way. Well, these people don’t know what they are talking about. True, fine wrinkles are starting to show, & the metabolism has slowed down such that one thinks twice or even thrice when faced with a chocolate cake! And certain areas of the body have started to surrender to the pull of the ever-present gravity. For me, these external manifestations of age are unimportant. Inside, I feel the pride of having done pretty good job so far in bringing up 2 human beings in this world; I feel satisfaction in what I am able to achieve with the experience I’ve had in life; and I feel confident enough to speak my mind when the need arises. The ability to love is still there, although I love differently now, than then. No extremes of passion - just a constant feeling of warmth, tenderness & security of knowing that the love is there & is reciprocated.

Of course I wonder how I will feel when I am 50. I wonder if the process of menopause will bring with it similar effects on my affections, that menarche & adolescence did. We’ll see.

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Hmmm....the big day is coming up...

After a certain age, one realises that the excitement of birthdays just isn't there anymore. I remember the excitement and anticipation of presents and a birthday cake as a child and teenager. Somehow, it isn't the same now. Sometimes, it takes a reminder to remember that hey, I'll turn 41 in a few days.

The day has become mostly a non-event - maybe dinner with the family, unlikely to have even a birthday cake. This year, I will spend my birthday chilling out in Bali, on of our favourite spots for a vacation. I am looking forward to the quality and relaxing time that will be spent with hubby and sons, not to mention the aromatherapy massages at the spa! I don't need the birthday cake or the presents...the simple pleasures of life should suffice for now...

Happy Birthday to me.

Wow, am I a blogger now???

How did I end up here? At the milestone age of 40, I started reading my 14-year-old niece's blog last year. I remember keeping a diary - a journal of sorts- when I was her age. When I read her entries, so full of teenage angst and passion, it brought back memories of my own entries made during those years of hormonal upheaval and emotional swings.

As I feel myself approaching another similar phase of hormonal changes (in the opposite direction, I must say), the urge to write and to put my thoughts down into words is once again stirred up.

I put aside my writings when I entered junior college and then medical school, as I found myself pressed for time and pressured by the endless tests and exams that I had to study for. Then came internship and residency with ward rounds and night calls. In the midst of all that, I got married, and had children......who had time to write? Any sparks of inspiration I might have had during those years were utterly ignored by the other priorities that cropped up especially when the babies came along.

So here I am...my babies are now a pre-adolescent and a teenager who would usually rather spend time IM-ing their friends or with their PS2/XBox/PC when they are not busy with homework. I find myself with more time to mull over current issues and life in general. And suddenly, I feel the occasional inspiration to write down my thoughts once again - this time, in the virtual world instead of on by-products of dead trees.

I still have my old journals from my teenage years. I haven't opened them in years...I don't want to. Not yet, anyway. I don't know why; maybe it's because I don't want to miss my youth now that I am facing the middle years. Maybe I will, once I have accepted the fact that age creeps up on everyone, including me, with a 41 year-old body but a 16 year old soul...